you may say mel has grown to be more matured over time. just today, she had lessons from 8.30am till 6.45pm..draining both physically and mentally..YET such situations set me thinking about my life..about what i'm fighting for..about my relationship..and about me..as a person influencing and playing a part in the lifes of my close ones..
It is a world where everyone's fighting for their survival. I am too! and sad to say, i stand alone. But was i given a choice? everyone's competing and i am in no position to not compete with them because i need to survive. Its every man for his own huh? they asked for my grades. and when i truthfully and honestly told them, *poof they just turned their backs on me. why will it not set me thinking about my character? is it even my character that's causing such things to happen?
as much as i do my best to be optimistic about things, the "what if" questions starts pop~ing in my head.
these stupid thinking is giving me a super huge headache that i can't stop. perhaps thats why i'm here typing this really stupid but "mel thinks is impt!" entry. all that competition is driving me nuts. People drive questions at you in a really cynical and unfriendly way. The way they phrase their questions will just make you want to give up. I did my best to turn such circumstances as optimistically as possible. But most often, it seem impossible at first T-R-Y.
perhaps some people can do without me..because i am insignificant. just what is the role that i play in the lives of people close to me? friend? aquaintance? someone whom they can leeach off during projects? a gf? or just a passerby in their lifes?
words you articulate can be really hurtful sometimes. I've T-R-I-E-D it before. Thats why most of the time i would think before i say something. It runs through my mind over and over again. Until the time i decide that it is right to say it. Perhaps that explains why I'm often staring blankly at something. Its NOT BECAUSE I'M CRAZY! but because i'm afraid of hurting the person or people i'm talking to..so i had to choose my words carefully. then again, i would keep asking myself..would it be right to say this?? that??
perhaps you wouldn't understand what i went through today. But it was H*LL! just when i needed someone to be with me just to accompany me, i called and almost didn't get a reply. seriously, if kelv hadn't said yes to my request i would have hid myself in a corner and start pouring.
it was the first time i hadn't gotten angry with him when i knew he didn't want to meet. afterall, it wasn't necessary for that. i knew he was tired..
just what is it that keeps love going strong?
fio and weiren answered this really mind boggling question today..
it isn't about seeing each other or being with each other all the time. it isn't about talking to each other every night. it isn't about asking.."did you miss me?" "do you love me?"..
LOVE goes beyond all these. perhaps its distance that keeps the flame going. Yet sometimes, it may be the one that's detrimental to the relationship.
its NOT about obligations..about wants and needs..
its all about knowing that your love is true and trust. all about understanding and forgiveness. and most importantly, believing that this love will last.
there may come a time when fate cuts off. you'll be sad for sure. But mel promises you wouldn't regret if you treasure every time you're with that someone special..leave each other with good memories. End each night really sweetly so that each day will be special. only then can you leave with no regrets.
so...treasure them in case the line of fate breaks..
its not a pity that i'm not a love counsellor because i can't even handle my own relationship. Things may start of sweet and end up with a beautiful ending. But over the many months and years ahead, you'll face problems which has to be solved.
words can be hurtful sometimes..though i often know it is unintentional. i don't start tearing for stupid reasons. because sometimes, it hurts even more to control.
i've been doing my best to give you the best...to be the most perfect gf you have ever loved..but I know for sure you've given much more in this relationship. situation has changed and you've decided to let me be when i kick up a huge fuss. most of the time i'm in the wrong i admit. so just let me be. i wouldn't expect you to pamper me anymore.
thanks for pei~ing me tonight. really appreciated it cuz you were so tired but you still came down. there ain't no beautiful ending tonight..but at least i left you thinking that i'm happy. It was a wonderful night spent. hope you're safely home and soundly asleep. love ya!~
love is not a business transaction. it is a want not a need. sometimes you give and receive. But most of the time, don't expect something in return.
you can love a person until you don't love him..now i understand what they mean..
aBoUt LoVe..
12:49 AM.
